God’s Always There

A story about the things we only understand later.

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In 2009, a drug enforcement task force followed me for four days and built a case against me.

On the way back from just scoring dope, once I crossed the county line, sirens blared and lights flashed. In moments I was surrounded.

“Hands up or I’ll shoot.”

As they searched the car, one of them asked,

“Is there anything in here that will poke me?”

And of course, the answer was yes.

I was processed and certain my life was over. I was dope sick—shaking, skin and bones. That first night, even though I had no reason to hope, I felt and heard something steady inside me:

Don’t worry. Things are going to get better.

The very next day, standing before the judge, I asked for the highest bond possible because I knew if I got out, I would die.

During the six months I was there, someone who believed in Jesus came to visit and explained the gospel to me—that through Jesus Christ I could have forgiveness and real life.

It changed everything.

The Story Before the Story

But years before that moment, long before I understood what God was doing, seeds had already been planted.

In the throes of my addiction, I was using drugs in college bathrooms.

One night I ended up at a party hosted by a house full of Christian guys. I didn’t register they were Christians at the time because I was involved with one of the guys living there. Let’s call him Robert. Of course, that is not his real name.

Later, after I came to faith, the very first Bible study I was invited to was his. Years earlier, when he and I were fooling around, one of the girls he was friends with had been trying to share Jesus with me. Because of the drugs, much of that time is a blank spot in my memory, but I remembered her.

Fast forward: he and she were now dating. On their end there was understandable discomfort, and after that first Bible study they gently asked if I could find a different Bible study. They directed me to one they had recently split off from that might be a better fit. It turned out to be exactly what I needed.

As I began to pursue God, I started learning that He actually has a standard for those who represent Him. I found myself wrestling internally. I wondered how this friend of mine could have been fooling around with me and yet seemed to be leading their Bible study (he actually wasn’t leading at the time, but I didn’t know that; later he would).

I didn’t know what to do with that tension, so I kept putting one foot in front of the other, letting God persuade me through His Word about sexuality and integrity.

That first year I didn’t bring any of it up. I was less focused on sexuality and more absorbed in learning everything I could about my new Dad and beginning a counseling journey that unpacked deep healing God had in store for me.

At the same time, I carried many assumptions about sex, relationships, and the Bible that God was slowly reshaping. Neither of my parents had been married. I had many relationships and had never once desired marriage. Before God, I didn’t even really have a plan. My life was spiraling, but somewhere in my heart I imagined finding someone, living together, and having children. Marriage simply wasn’t part of the framework.

Entering a Bible-believing community full of dating relationships and young marriages left me both confused and intrigued. Why weren’t the guys flirting with other women? How could the women feel secure when their husbands had female friendships? Why were there clear boundaries when I interacted with married men, rooted in respect for their wives?

The first wedding I ever attended was Robert’s. It was beautiful. Centered on God. Unlike anything I had ever seen. And yes, they really had waited for sex until marriage.

That tension and curiosity stayed quietly beneath the surface for me.

What I Didn’t See Coming

Over that year my relationship with my boyfriend grew, and he proposed.

While my fiancé and I were engaged, Robert and his wife invited us on a double date. During that conversation he shared something that deeply shaped how I understand prayer and how much bigger God is than we are.

He told me that back in 2008 he wasn’t even sure he wanted to pursue God. When we were fooling around and I eventually cut things off, he brought it into the light with the men in his life, and it became a turning point for him spiritually. He said afterward he carried grief over the role he had played in my life while I didn’t know God.

So when I later ran into him on campus and told him I had met Jesus, he was completely shocked.

What stood out most wasn’t just the story itself, but what he said next.

Watching how God continued to work in my life, and seeing people come to know Jesus through my story, showed him again and again how much bigger God is than we are. Bigger than our mistakes. Bigger than our limited understanding. Bigger than the parts of the story we assume are already written.

Then he shared something else that stunned me.

During high school, his group of Christian friends had been praying for me. He knew my story. The abuse. The drugs. All of it.

Realizing how long God had already been at work behind the scenes completely blew my mind. So often we cannot see the threads until much later. In that moment I realized we had both been living inside something far larger than either of us could see at the time.

God had been working in both directions at once. And sometimes that’s the part we miss. We try to assign meaning or blame or clarity to every detail, but what remains is simpler than that.

God moves anyway. He is always there.

Even through imperfect people. Even through messy beginnings. Even through stories that don’t make sense while we’re living inside them.

For your own reflection

This content is mature, so these questions aren’t designed for you to answer publicly with me. Maybe sit with them on your own or talk through them with a trusted friend. Regardless of your past experience, your starting point, your beliefs, or even your current circumstances, I think everyone benefits from taking time to wrestle honestly with the things that matter most.

One day I’ll share more about the long internal wrestle I had with God around sexuality and integrity. It wasn’t instant clarity. It was questions, resistance, curiosity, and slowly learning to trust that God’s design wasn’t meant to restrict life but to protect and shape it. Ultimately, each of us has to wrestle through what God says for ourselves, but I’ve come to believe His way leads toward a deeper kind of wholeness than I could have imagined before.

Take a moment to reflect:

• If following Jesus has started to reshape how you think about sex or relationships, what questions or struggles have come up for you along the way?

• If you’re dating, what boundaries are you considering right now, and what would it look like to take one step toward God’s design?

• If you’re married, what does sexual integrity look like for you right now, and what protects it?

And one sober encouragement. Even with Jesus (like my story with Robert), people sometimes step outside God’s design. Over the sixteen years I’ve pursued Jesus with my whole heart, I’ve watched friends and marriages crumble under the weight of choices that slowly pulled them away from integrity.

If you’re walking through something heavy right now, I wrote more about running toward freedom and not flirting with the chains that pull us back in my post Run Like Crazy. Maybe that piece will meet you where you are. Or if you want the fuller arc of how God brought me from chaos into new life, you can read From Chaos to Overflow.

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I write about faith, formation, and the slow ways God reshapes real lives. Once trapped in addiction, I now live in Orlando with my husband and two children, helping others find community, hope, and deeper freedom in Christ.

I went looking for photos from that season, but there aren’t many. I wasn’t much for documenting life then. So here’s one from years later.

For Group Discussion

One of the things that struck me most while processing this story was realizing how long God had been working behind the scenes through prayer.

If you have prayer requests, I would be honored to pray for you. And if you have any answered-prayer stories you want to share, I love celebrating and thanking God for them. Feel free to share links to your own testimonies or posts you’ve written for encouragement.